My Own Dumb Fight With Change
having an obstinately uncooperative attitude toward authority or discipline.
Yeah, that’s my picture under the definition of the word recalcitrant. I’m the actual, ordained queen of not following directions and I must do every single thing my own way. There is a certain irony that my life’s work is all about making peace with the laws of the universe because I put up a fight against most everything that occurs in my life. Of course, I can’t even practice the LOA the way other Law of Attraction practitioners do it. I’m recalcitrant.
PUSHING FORWARD! FOREVER!
When I started the Axion Center, it was meant to be a venue for cool, mind-expanding classes. There was meditation, essential oils classes, tai chi, philosophy discussions, and other stuff like that. I loved it. That said, I always felt like it wasn’t exactly what I hoped it would be. It never felt quite right. I knew from the beginning that even though what we were doing was awesome, it wasn’t what I wanted. I knew that the business wasn’t quite in energetic alignment with my intent, but my stubborn ass just kept pushing forward. I felt like my head was against the wall and I was going to keep walking, feet sliding on the floor, until I pushed through to the other side. Finally, every shitty, misaligned circumstance in the business came together at the same time, and I had to take a long hard look at what my vision had become. The hour of my realization was an ass-kicking. I sat on the floor with my BFF, Linda (we were supposed to be meditating but she had to console me while I melted down), and I had a cry like I was breaking up with my dream. She held my hand and I ruined a whole box of tissues.
In hindsight, I knew that I needed to make some major modifications to what I was doing there months before, but I didn’t want to do the work. I didn’t want to reevaluate. I didn’t want to restructure. I was exhausted from pushing forward through that wall that wouldn’t budge, so starting from scratch seemed SO much worse.
TRYING TO NOT BE A QUITTER
When you’re pushing up against a manifestation that isn’t what you intended, often it seems like we just need to persist, that if we push just a little harder, or just stick it out a little bit longer, that somehow, miraculously, everything will just fall into place and we’ll live happily ever after. You’d think I’d know better after all of these years of using the Law of Attraction. Clearly not.
Change can suck a lot. It can break your heart, leave you raw and lost, and make you feel like you’re back to square one. The kicker is, it doesn’t have to.
If I had allowed myself to be present, to pay attention to the sensations I had in my body, to make tiny course corrections as I went, I would have effortlessly evolved instead of pushing against the entire universe until I broke.
EVALUATION TIME, FRIEND
Allow me to be a cautionary tale, Darling! You’re a seeker, a refiner, and a creator, or you wouldn’t be reading this in the first place. Take a look at your life. Take a day off (or a half hour) and see what part of your existence has you exhausted. I’m not talking about “I-have-a-three-week-old-baby” tired. I mean the exhaustion that comes from doing the same thing over and over, that wasn’t working in the first place, or that you outgrew long ago. If it feels wrong, you’re out of alignment and no amount of “stick-to-it”-iveness is going to manifest gold out of that bullshit.
There’s a fine line between practicing your vibe and self-delusion. It’s important to acknowledge what you’re actually feeling and the whole “positive thinking” idea of LOA forgets that sometimes. Creating your vibration intentionally is kind of like drawing a map to where you want to go. It’s incredibly important work, but a map is pointless if you don’t know where you are starting out. You absolutely must reevaluate what you are feeling, what you are manifesting, and the difference between the current state and the desired state regularly. It’s like reading the map and knowing that you’re 100 miles closer now, or alternately, that you should have taken that left at Albuquerque.
Practicing what you want to feel in your body when you reach your desire is exactly that: practice. You should feel it as often as you can, as intensely as you can and with as much repetition as possible. It’s like when you learn multiplication in school- learning that six times seven is 42 is not the same as knowing that it is 42. Knowing it requires repetition; knowing that you know it requires evaluation. That’s why your teacher gives you a test.
In your LOA practice, there’s no external teacher who will be testing you. That’s what the self-evaluation is for. If you want to change your manifestation, you’ve got to change your brain through repeating your intentional vibration. Pretending you know your multiplication tables might fool your third-grade teacher, but pretending you are manifesting what you want is not going to fool the universe. You’re in alignment with your desire or you’re not, and you’ll know if you are by how you feel and what’s showing up in your life.
THE REST OF THE STORY
After I left my office, teary eyed and wrung out, I went to my car and practiced the alignment I wanted. It felt free, connected, trusting, adventurous, and fun. I felt it as intensely as I could, and drove home to meet my daughter as she got off the school bus. As I waited with my friend, Rachel, for our kids at the bus stop, I told her that I had decided to close my storefront and take the Axion Center entirely online. It was going to have all the classes it had before, and more, all available to everyone, everywhere, in a way that the physical location could not! She was excited for me, and - what a surprise!- her business builds online brands and websites! Talk about being in alignment! She designed and built this gorgeous website for me, and we are super-friends now. (Best manifestation bonus ever!)
If a circumstance in your life is painful, exhausting, or just plain hard, take a step back and, please, for the love of all that is holy, stop trying to push through it! You’re in alignment with what you want, or you’re not. Trust yourself. Make adjustments. Practice being present.
Have you taken our Law of Attraction 101 class yet? It’s rad, if I do say so myself. See you next week, Kittens!